STORMY’S DRUM CLINIC
Tub-thumping tips from The Barnet’s sticksman.

Hi. I’m Paul Brewer although you may know me by my showbiz name, Stormy Tempest.
I am the Drummer with the 5-piece beat combo, The High Barnets.
After every gig without fail, I’m accosted by a wild eyed, drunken punter wanting to ‘chat’. I say chat but it’s more of a one-way incoherent slur. Typically it goes along the lines of:

“Allwhy may! Wwwwicked gig! Wicked man! Love it. Yeah!! Gissafag may. You’re the bess drumma I ever heard an I seen lows of ‘em. Saw wossname last week an you was bedder thanim. You shud do wassitcawld? Wongetfooledagain. Yeh. Thassit.
Wicked man! I used ta play drummss. Played wiv Saxon I did. Wicked!”

As you can see, such conversations are more than a little annoying and while they might think they sparkle with all the wit and wisdom of Oscar Wilde, for me it’s like listening to a punch-drunk chimp on valium. But less interesting. But no matter. I love them! So for their benefit, I have compiled a section of my top tips which will hopefully go some way to introducing my public to the dark art of hitting little round wooden hat-boxes with a pig’s arse stretched across the top. Enjoy!

Get a good kit.
I spent literally years, not to mention thousands of pounds on finding the perfect kit for me. Don’t be fooled by the spools of gaffer tape and clothes pegs that hold it together. They are strategically placed additions, designed to enhance the overall sound and volume output. Choose your kit carefully.

Listen to other drummers.
For years I did nothing but listen to other drummers. I would only leave my room to get more fags or have a poo. Otherwise I was glued to my stereo, 24/7. I would listen to such varied drummers as John Bonham, Keith Moon. Karen Carpenter, Dave Clark, Ginger Baker, Mickey Dolenz. The list was endless. It’s the best way to pick up tips.

Smoke.
When people watch me drumming, they are literally blown out of their underwear by three things. My Power. My Technique and my ability to smoke dangerous amounts of tobacco product while executing a deadly paradiddle. It’s a dying art and a real showstopper. Or should that be heartstopper? No matter. It looks good.

Gurning.
The first thing they teach you at drum school is how to pull a face whilst racing round yer tomtoms. It is essential. Period. Show me a drummer that doesn’t throw some shapes and I’ll show you a drummer without palsy.

Don’t rush into a song.
Take your time between numbers. Light a fag. Choose a different drumstick, put it down. Choose another. Have a coughing fit. Fiddle with the nut on the highhat. Light another fag. What’s the rush? Who cares if the rest of the band are standing around like plums? You have the kit to hide behind. Make the buggers wait.

Stick spinning.
Drums are the one instrument you can’t practice at home. Unless you live in a stately home in the middle of a national trust park. Or just don’t give a monkeys. However, all is not lost. You can spend the time learning how to spin the sticks between your fingers.
Dazzle them with dexterity. A real winner.

Take your own supplies.
If you’re gonna be thrashing away behind a kit for 2 hours, you need to take on fluids. Most venues will supply these but at an extortionate cost. I always take my own. It is important to get the right balance of fluids into your body. I recommend 4 cans of Kestrel and 6 tins of Red bull to replenish lost body fluids.

Look mean.
Never look as though you are enjoying yourself. It’s just not cool to be perched atop the drumstool, peeking through your cymbals with a stupid grin on your face. How can you look dangerous and unapproachable with a cheesy Donny Osmond smile cracking your face wide open?

And finally…
Always leave your mark. You want to be remembered by the venue. Not forgotten, which is why I always make sure I leave a trail of cack wherever I play. Long after my kit has been packed away and stuffed into the tour bus or school bus as in our case, you will find countless dogends, fag packets, empty Kestrel cans and spilt redbull clogging the floor up.

So, if you follow this simple but essential set of rules, you too can become the unstoppable engine room of the band. The driving heartbeat. The backbone.

Anyway.I’m off to buy some more fags and rhythm magazine.
See you soon and remember; Keep whacking away!