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Apart from having sported fashion-defying mullets in their time, what do rock stars Phil Collins, Bill Wyman and Toni Saunders have in common? I will tell you…cricket.

When he’s not touring the world with Hersham’s best covers band containing five members, he can be found rubbing his balls on the inside of his thighs until they are red, then tossing off a quick googly at a fellow chap’s middle stump, before retiring to a draughty old hall for tea and cucumber sandwiches. It is a passion that has never left him since he was child, standing in front of a tree stump, wafting the air with a twig whilst his ‘close friend’ Clive Riddle threw conkers at his head.

It’s 40 years on, and Toni now plays for his local team near his country retreat in Royal Tunbridge Wells: ‘The Tunbridge Tossers’. I met up with him whilst he was waiting to go in to bat at the club’s ground, where he mused on the sport.

“To me, cricket is like a drug”, confessed the omni-handed keyboarder.“There is something very exciting about slipping into a crisp pair of white slacks and spike-heeled shoes, and pulling on a sweaty helmet”, he continued.“I always shudder with a little frisson of excitement when I am at the crease, facing another man knowing that there is also a chap behind me waiting to cup my loose balls in a leather-gloved hand”.

Despite first appearances, cricket is a man’s game. To the uninitiated, it looks like a bunch of privileged nancies in casual knitwear ganging up and taking turns to throw a leather ball at a defenceless victim at the other end of a strip of grass. In other words, public bullying.

Toni will have none of this. His face flushes with anger, his voice goes all squeaky and he visibly shakes when addressing this accusation:“Bollocks. It is a gentleman’s sport. One of guile, strength and stamina. I also like the way you can drape your sweater over your shoulders like Andrew Ridgeley”, he countered.

Toni was also keen to point out the therapeutic benefits of the game as a way of winding down after a gruelling world tour of Hersham; “I am never happier than when I am digging away at a crease, waiting for a full toss.” He enthused.

The game is not without its dangers though. Only recently, opening batsman, Jonty ‘The Ponce’ Hedge, lost a testicle after a particularly savage swinger caught him square in the knackers.

Just then the Tosser’s number 3 batsman, Tarquin De La TrotOnBunty entered the pavilion, patted Toni on the arse and declared, “Your on, hot nuts. Watch out for the young boy with a semi-on in the slips. He’s cock-fodder if ever I have seen it.” And with a flash of the famous Saunders cheeky grin, he was off marching once more to the crease…